You embarrass me...

So....

Me and Snappy are getting hitched on Saturday.

In January I was going through a bottle of wine a week -- come December I'll be trying to figure out how to deal with chaffed nipples and booty rashes.

But, thats not the point of this blog. No ma'am... the point of this blog is that Snappy said I'm embarrassing him.

How am I doing this you might ask?

By hyphenating my last name -- instead of dropping it and completely taking his. Yes, this negro said its embarrassing for me to do that.

{{enter blank face here}}

And you know what I say? Miss me with that foolishness son!!!! Shyyttttt... I could be extra gangsta like my mom and keep my last name period, lol. But, I'm trying to be somewhat rational and I'm going to add his name on. Leave me alone about it. Hmph.

In other news, I am finally in my third (and LAST) trimester -- can someone pass the courvoisier? I'm having my second ultra sound on Friday because I've only gained .... 8 pounds my entire pregnancy.. so they wanna check on the babies weight. Now, if you know Sha Boogie, you know I ain't never had a problem putting away some food. Not now, not ever. What little man in my belly is doing with all of it, I dunno, lol. But him got people thinking I'm not eating enough!! Not to mention.... at my appointment yesterday they said I lost TWO pounds since my last appointment, which was two weeks prior. I don't know what kind of fuckery this is, but I don't want any parts of it.

Why am I being punished?

So...

Back when I first met Snappy, his reaction to me was 'd@mn....I would stop smoking for her!'

Fast forward almost two years later and we are still fighting the nicotine battle.


*sigh*

When I got pregnant, I figured once and for all we would wrestle this demon to the ground and make mince meat out of his ass. So, about 3 weeks ago, Snappy's doc gives him a prescription for the patch -- thank ya' Lawd!! And we began a cancer stick count down.

Snappy agreed that the pack he had would be his last and then he would start on the patch. Fair enough, I don't want to punish the man, I just want him to quit. So, everyday I'd ask Snap how many ciggs he had left to help him count down. 18....15....12....9... until I forgot to continue asking (thanks pregnancy brain!)

So, on Sunday the pastor is preaching about things that people have overcome -- drugs, drinking, smoking.... Ding! Ding! Sweet baby Jesus reminds me of my cigarette count down. When we get in the car I ask Snap how many cigs does he have left.... uhm.. uhm.. I dunno. Wait a minute... did you buy a NEW pack, negro? Yes. I had to break my boo down in the nicest way possible. First of all, you lied. Second of all you lied and third of all we had an agreement and you lied. Give up that brand new pack, son.

That was Sunday -- what has Snappy been doing ever since? Acting like a contestant for a new show he must be starring in called C rack heads gone Wild. He is animated 24/7 -- I mean, I was expecting attitude from the nicotine withdrawal, not to be living with a nigga that's constantly acting like he's tweaking! And when I tell him to shut up, sit down, be quiet, stop touching me, leave me alone... you know what this fool says?

GIMME A CIGARETTE.

{{enter blank face here}}

Why am I being punished?

Jesus, be a fence all around me please, unless you plan on drop kicking this fool!

This morning, he's taking me to work, singing at the top of his lungs, grabbing my tender melons (aka breasts for ya'll slow folks) and asking me if we can do it in my office..... HELP!! This is so not fair. Yesterday, as I'm laying on my couch slowly dying from this intense pregnancy back pains, he's dancing around me singing jingles he's made up. I tell him to shut up and what does he say?

GIMME A CIGARETTE.

I seriously think he is trying to drive me crazy so that I'll cave in --but no. I am going to fight this until the end.

Or light his ass on fire.

Magic Moments

This magic moment is brought to you by L.eprechaun in da' hood and lil snappy.

So, I'm having the bestest most laziest Sunday of my life, yesterday...just lounging on the couch and watching every bad movie my sleepy eyes can take in. The worst string of movies ever in life comes across the screen and I decide to watch it. Snappy and lil Snap are out running the streets, so I didn't have to worry about the cussing and of course the killing and scary @ss lookin' leprechaun.

A little ways into the film, Snappy calls me asking if we can have another couch {{enter blank face here}} We already HAVE a couch. A big ol' sectional, not to mention we have two love seats upstairs! What are we gonna do with a 4th couch, Snap? ' Well, Tay (his cousin) is moving and he doesn't need the leather love seat anymore and since originally it was my couch I want it back'. Fine. bring it in here, but we are selling it on Craigs.list!!! Hmph.

About an hour into the movie I hear the calvary arrive. Lil' Snap in all her five year old glory comes bounding in and eyes glazed over in excitement as she notices what I'm watching. In my head I'm like shyt! Now I gotta turn it off.

The Leps face is all big and scary on the screen and she is all into it talking about, Sha why is the Leprechaun going after the black people? Only white people steal his gold!!!

*DEAD*

Home girl snuggles up to me and happily tells Snap she is staying with me to watch the rest of the movie and then throws a fit when he says no, LOL!

Here I was thinking the movie would scare her and she was already a Leprechaun pro! I didn't know whether to be amazed or to shake my head....

I've been avoiding it....

But, I've finally turned my big panty swag on.

Yes.. sexy, I know. Even though my hips and ass were expanding I refused to stop wearing my bikini briefs, lol. I just couldn't see myself rockin' draws that I could feel rubbin on thighs!

*sigh*

In other news, I'm now big enough (3 months and 25 days left!!) so that we could tell lil snappy that I have a baby in my tummy and she gets it.

You know what else she gets? That I'm going to squeeze her little brother out my 'hoo-haa' because her stupid @ss mother falls asleep with the TV on with lil snappy in the bed! So one fateful night she woke up and watched a movie that showed ALL the fun details of a woman giving birth. Mother of the year award for that one.. **rolling my eyes**

Anywho.. so now that the cat is out the bag, lil snap is telling everyone and anyone that will listen that 'Sha is having a baby!!' Even total strangers.

{{enter blank face here}}

The other night Snappy goes to drop off lil snaps asthma medicine to her while she's at her nana's house -- the mother comes in and of course lil snap shouts for all to hear SHA'S HAVIN A BABY!!

lil snap's mom: oh really? why didn't YOU tell me that?

Snap: uhm.. because its none of your business, lol

LS mom: well, i guess this means your going to do LESS for lil snap now huh? i can't believe you!

Snap: LMAO!!!

What is wrong with people? This lady is nuts... then the icing on the cake was her saying ' well, i'm pregnant too! Really? Yes! The baby is due in February! Why do you have to lie to be a part of the conversation? Well.. I'm not pregnant now.. But I will be!

Drop kick her Jesus!!!

Me and my bright ideas...

****************FYI>>>>TMI AHEAD**************

I officially can't really see my cho-cha, which of course makes 'maintenance' pretty friking difficult. I mean, if I semi-suck in my stomach and twist my body at the oddest of angles I can see a little something, but not enough to feel safe doing anything, lol.

So, I said to myself and myself said hmmmm? I said self! Now, what is we gonna do about this here situation?! I mean, we seriously have a problem on our hands -- I have an afro growing on my bikini line!!!

A light bulb goes off in my head like ding! I know.... I'll just have Snappy wax me! How hard can it be? I'll just get one of those N.air kits... a few tugs and taa-daa! Mission accomplished.

Yeah..if only thats what happened..

So, I hop in the shower, hoping the steam will open up the hair pores making it easier to make me all shiny clean...

I come out, lay in the bed all ready for my close up, ya know? Snappy comes in looking all befuddled -- and that's when I shoulda aborted the damn mission! But, noooooo.... I keep pressing on not thinking it would be that bad.

Hmph.

My first sign that Snappy was gonna pull skin off with the hair was when he asked where to put the strips -- duh!!

So... the first strip goes down....

And sweet Mary mother of Jesus I think people in the next county heard me scream.

Imagine my shock when I look down and see that the damn strip is still stuck to my skin!!

And Snappy standing there looking at me all stupid like 'it didn't come off'.

Why Lawd?? WHY?!?!

Then and there I knew once he yanked that sucker off, I was gonna wrap the rest of that shyt up and try to return it to the store - minus one strip, lol.

So, after 3 gut wrenching tugs he finally gets the strip off ---along with a few hairs and a whole lot of my skin...

Moral of the story? God put hair down there for a reason!!!!

I hate you...but only a little bit..

Can you tell that I've been in the best of moods lately? Yes, I've been having a rocking good time! Ya' know, with not sleeping through the night and all...it totally makes for a chipper day!

Anywho.. this blog is dedicated to you mr. train rider who insisted on standing in front of the door directly beside my seat on the train, so that every time the door opened you had to turn and hit me in the shoulder with your stupid newspaper. Yes --an especially big f_ _ k you, sir.

And to you slow walking tourist person, who stopped in the front of me every few steps to gawk at something you finds just so d@mn interesting like another mannequin, MOVE THE F_ _K OUT MY WAY!!!!

Last but not least on this extra special list....

I would be totally remiss if I forgot to mention you mr. co-worker, whom I affectionately refer to as A.merican Dad (behind your back of course). Thank you so much for wearing that extremely strong obnoxiously loud smelling cologne to work day in and day out. For you sir are the reason I gag every time I have to go to the bathroom making this a 2 -for- 1 trip. Nothing says lovin' like having to puke and pee simultaneously.

Broken glass! Everywhere! If it ain't about the money..

**Disclaimer** I in no way, shape or form find abuse or violence funny -- but because this is my life, my blog and sheeeeiiiitt...I can say what I damn well please, because I like to laugh at people. Mainly myself..and things that happened yesterday...

So, on Saturday I woke with a bytch of an attitude. Snappy comes home from the gym and I ask for his lighter because I felt like lighting one of my candles... my mom was over and sitting on the couch. Snappy denies said request for borrowing his fire starter and I don't blame him, because just the other day I threatened to light HIS @ss on fire -- but said I wouldn't because I love him..and it's illegal.

Anywho... he said I always loose his lighter, wouldn't give it up and put it back in his pocket. Ohhh...chile! Iffin ya'll coulda seen the devil in my eyes! I went in his pocket, took the lighter, used it, then walked halfway across the apartment to throw it at him. That was my mother's cue to excuse herself and she bounced, lol.

Snappy comes storming after me ranting and raving about what's my problem. Uhmmm..lets see... for starters my back hurts, I'm hungry and I'm constipated! Should I go on? So, he gives me the silent treatment - until Sunday - when I said, F this I've had enough!

I put his pillows outside the bedroom, my way of saying sleep in the other bedroom since your ignoring me. Think he got the hint? NO! He comes in the room anyway and gets in bed. What do I do? Turn on all the lights, open all the windows, blast music from my I.pod doc and scream , IF YOU AINT TALKING TO ME YOU CAN EITHER GO IN THE OTHER ROOM OR AINT NO ONE GETTING ANY SLEEP IN HERE TONIGHT!!!

Know what he does? Throws my i.pod AND dock! Hmph. Mama ain't like that to much, so I smash is phone, lol.

Can you hear me now, Beeesh?!